Chapter 9

Chapter 9

Amelia went into the kitchen to find a knife. She was anxious to see what was inside the box. She deftly cut each length of tape. The tape was different than the tape they used at home and she wondered if Jack had to purchase it somewhere. It was the kind with strings inside of it for added strength and it took her a few seconds to get through it all. Amelia finished and took a deep breath and opened the box.

She smiled when she saw numerous items, wrapped up in brown paper wrapping. Jack sometimes did this with her Christmas gifts, having her open one item at a time before the big reveal at the end. It was endearing and made those gifts special. She couldn't imagine she would feel this way about whatever he had to say. A letter addressed to her sat on top with the number one on it.

She picked the letter up and hurriedly opened it, unfolded it carefully and saw Jack's scratchy, angular, masculine writing. She carried the box and the letter to the couch and sat down and pulled the blanket over herself. Then with a quick prayer she started to read.

My dearest Amelia,
I know what you have seen and I know what you must think of me right now. I don't blame you for that and I apologize for any hurt that I might have caused you. The fact is that I have been a liar and unfaithful to you and our marriage. Not in a physical way ever. I have never been unfaithful to you physically or emotionally. I love you with all of my heart and can't imagine my life without you. Some things have happened that have forced me to come to terms with some past decisions that I have made that I know that you will be shocked by. Frankly, I hope you do not think less of me for them. But I am getting ahead of myself.


I have talked with Meredith briefly and she thought writing to you might be the best way to explain. I hope I will not hurt you more but I guess I have lost any control I might have had in easing this blow when you saw Samantha and I together that day. It seems a long time ago now though it has only been a few days. There are reasons for what you saw and reasons that I didn't tell you the truth right away but none of those reasons seem to be good enough now. I should not have kept these things from you. I should have been truthful and up front with you about it all. This is my time, I guess, to come clean about it all.


Let me start at the beginning, when I was ten years old I saw Samantha for the first time. It was love at first sight. For years I said nothing to her because I was way too shy to even speak to her but as time went on we became friends. She didn't like me in any sort of romantic way but I was in awe of her. We had a lot of classes together and she ran with the popular crowd. Everyone in school had a crush on her. She had beauty that attracted everyone to her and some of them she would date. It was widely circulated even in junior high that she had a reputation with the boys but I knew that she had never been with anyone. After we became friends we would sit up late talking and I found out that she was really nice underneath it all and I fell even further in love.


Years passed and high school came. We stayed friends though she rarely talked to me at school. We'd sometimes meet at a look out up the road from her house. You could watch the sunset from up there. She lived with her dad and didn't like her step-mom at all so she spent a lot of time away from home. My mom was always at work and Carrie didn't make a fuss when I would leave. Something happened the year she turned seventeen and she went to live with a foster family in another part of the city. We became sort of an item around that time. I went to see her, doing whatever I could to help her. It was around that time that she lived with us for a short time. Carrie let her borrow her prom dress and we went to the dance together. I was in heaven. I told her I loved her and had always loved her. She didn't like it when I talked to her about love and would always change the subject.


She went to college the next year and she called Carrie on the phone pretty often to check in. She started dating a guy who was in the military and I didn't hear about her for a few years.


Then one night eight years ago I ran into her when I was home on a break my last semester of college. I was on top of the world, looking at all sorts of good prospects for work and when I saw her I knew it was now or never. We had danced around it for so long and now there she was at the perfect time. She had recently broken up with her on and off again military boyfriend. They'd been engaged when he left for another tour but he cheated on her over there with a female colleague and she told me that she was done with him. She was different, older, more beautiful even than before and I was mad for her. The first night we were back together she kissed me. I was over the moon. It was my chance to be with her and I was going to take it.


I came back home for the summer. I had an internship in my hometown and things were great. Samantha was my girlfriend and then in just a few days, she was my fiancee. Carrie warned me that I was moving too fast but I didn't care. I was young and in love and I wanted her in my life forever. One day I took her into the city to do some shopping and she brought up marriage. She told me that she didn't want to wait. She suggested a trip to Vegas to tie the knot. I couldn't believe she wanted to get married right away but I jumped at the chance. We booked a flight to Vegas and got married that night. I was happier than I can say. I was also blind.


We were together for five days. The first few days were wonderful days for me. We spent all day together and at first I couldn't believe how happy I was. I couldn't believe that such a beautiful woman was my wife. But as the days went on Samantha grew increasingly moody and distant. She tried to smile but I could tell she wasn't happy. She would lash out in little angry outbursts and then lock herself in the bathroom with her phone. I would hear her talking to someone and she would yell at me to go away. I was confused by her behavior and bought her all sorts of presents and other things to help her be happy again. I was naïve and it showed.


The evening of the fifth day I walked out of the bedroom to find a note taped to the front door. All of Samantha's things were gone and the note was short.


Jack -


Rick is back and I'm going back to him. You always loved me more than I deserve. Please forgive me.


Samantha

Amelia set down the letter with tears in her eyes. She had no idea about any of this but her heart went out to Jack. She knew she should be mad that he had not told her of the marriage but she understood in a way. It would be humiliating to be left like that. She wanted Jack with her now as she read it and felt the weight of what her leaving so suddenly might have done to him. She picked up the letter and read on.

My heart was broken and I didn't talk to anyone about it. I went to a lawyer and found a way to annul our marriage. I was lucky that we had been married in Nevada where divorce and annulment laws are quick and I could prove we had not lived together after we married. It was pretty easy to get the marriage annulled but it took longer for my heart to heal. I didn't even tell Carrie about it. I just tried to move on. I went home and packed up my stuff and got the job in Florida. I had no idea where Samantha went and didn't want to find her. I looked at the whole experience as a huge and painful mistake and moved past it. I had a lot of unanswered questions and a lot of pain associated with her leaving. I tried calling her a few times but got Rick on the phone instead telling me to leave her alone. She called back a short while later and apologized again but told me to move on. That is just what I tried to do.

I didn't date much for a year and focused on building my career. Time passed quickly and I felt like I was finally ready to date again. I dated a few girls but mostly when they asked me out. It was that summer that my mother was diagnosed with cancer. It was a dark time for me in those months before she died. Carrie had moved to Florida after she died and heard about the Center in New York. She was insistent that we go to their workshop for our summer vacation that year. She had heard of the program from a friend and thought that it would be good for both of us to go that summer to relax and heal together. I didn't want to go at first but she offered to pay my way and there was no way to say no. You'll never know how glad I was that I that I joined her at Camp Camilla. If I hadn't I would never have met you.

Look in the box for #1. I think you'll remember it well.

Amelia reached into the box for package number one and pulled off the wrapping. The object that fell into her hand made her smile and she remembered the first time she saw Jack. It was funny now that she thought about it. The shiny object sparkled in her hand and she laughed at her memory of their first meeting. It was the broach Jack had found in the lake when he was swimming dropped by some ancient guest or another. The lake was a bit murky and it was easy to see how something so small could be lost.

It was the summer after college and she was home to study for her nursing exam before getting a job. Meredith wanted her to spend some time with her before she got a job and she was happy to take some time with her. She knew it would be a long time before she would be able to take time off once she started working. She worked at the Center in the summertime helping the nursing staff take care of the all the guests. Jack was her first visitor to the clinic that year. She pulled out the letter marked #2 and continued reading.

You'll remember the day I brought this too you from the lake. I know I came to you for a tetanus shot but I had really come because I thought you were lovely. I saw you my first day there at the lake with Meredith and I asked many of the workers what your name was. Carrie encouraged me to find you and I finally had the excuse I needed when I “found” that old broach with my foot in the water.

The truth is that I thought you were lovely and the first time I saw you smile I knew that you were a sincere person. I learned my lesson from my time with Samantha and took things slow. I waited at least a day to kiss you. Do you remember our first kiss under the bridge in the canoe? I think my heart cemented to you right in that moment. There was something about that summer that made every bad thing that had happened with Samantha melt away. I was finally free. Perhaps it is better to be cautious about all of that. I never had to worry about that with you. You guarded your heart well and I could love you with all that I had. It was different than my former relationships because it was real for us both.

I remember all those nights that we walked together that summer. The days were filled with thoughts of my mother and I respected what Meredith taught us about healing but real healing came for me when I met you and could love you with my whole heart again. I had never found a friend like you, been able to talk with you and enjoy your different moods. You were a lovely mystery to unravel.

By the end of our time at the camp I was ready to propose marriage but I knew that you needed more time. So I waited until you came to visit me in Florida on your many job interviews. When you said you needed time to think about it I knew that you were going to say yes. I knew that you needed time. I knew you well and still do. I'm sorry that this is where we are. I want so much to be with you as I am telling you this but I think Meredith is right. You need time to process this and I will give you time.

There is more that I need to say but let that wait until after my next package.

Amelia reached into the box for #2 and pulled the paper off. It was the picture she had imagined in her mind for those days. A picture of the two of them on their wedding day. It was Jack's favorite though she was not sure why. Her expression was silly but they were happy holding each other under the trees.

I love this picture not just because of the day it represents but of the expression that you had on your face that day. I'd never seen you so happy and sparkling. Your eyes fairly dance off the shot and you were luminous. I remember that day and night often especially through all of our hard nights the last few years. Our time together in those first few days of marriage made everything that happened before a mere memory. I forgave Samantha on that day because I knew then what love really was. I had tried everything to make her love me but I also realized that what I felt wasn't real love either.

The kind of love I see every time I see this picture in more deep and enduring than anything I felt for Samantha. It isn't just falling in love. Love like ours is so much more than that and I hope that when I am done telling you all that I have to say that you will still think that I am worthy of yours. No matter what happens I will always love you.

Look at #3

She opened the package marked #3 and saw a Bible. It was marked with Jack's markings. It was the Bible they read together. Her heart hurt a little when she thought of the deception and wondered what was coming next. All of what had come before could be ruined by what came next. She set the Bible down and picked up the third letter.

Shortly after we got married I started reading the Bible again like I had when I was teenager. Back then I felt that I had a good relationship with God and that he was helping me. When I went off to school I lost my way. I still believed but didn't pray, didn't read, didn't look for guidance. I was lost. After we were married I started a relationship with God again. I prayed about us and took you to church. I felt good again and helped by a higher power. It felt good. It took me a few years to build my relationship with God again. He'd never left me but I had left him and it took some time for me to feel worthy of his love and yours.

When our problems with conception started, I saw it as a consequence of my unworthiness. I knew that God gave children to many and the fact that we were having this issue was sad to me. It might seem strange but I took it personally. I saw it as a punishment from God that we could not conceive. After a while I started to feel the guilt of my prior relationship and not disclosing it to you. I knew that I had not done wrong in loving Samantha and that her deception was not my fault but I felt that I should tell you about her. It was around Christmas time that I finally resolved to tell you. Right during that time we found out you were pregnant and I saw it as a sign that I was forgiven. My logic is not sound but I didn't tell you at that time either.

Open #4

The wrapping on box #4 was Christmas wrap and Amelia uncovered a box of her favorite chocolate. She didn't like to indulge in sweets often but Jack always bought her all her favorites for Christmas.

She reached for her favorite chocolate of the bunch and chewed it thoroughly then reached for Letter #4 and opened it to read.

This is where I have more to tell you about Samantha. I hope the chocolates ease the blow just a little bit. I hope that you will understand my reasons even if they seem hard. I really wanted to explain it all at the time. I could never find the right way until now. I'm sorry that this is the way you are finding out.

About six months ago I got a call from Carrie. She asked if we could meet for lunch. When I got to the restaurant she had her laptop open and showed me her Facebook. She had reconnected with Samantha on Facebook and Samantha told her that she needed to get in touch with me. I was hesitant at first. I didn't want to see her. We were finally happy and I didn't want anything to ruin that. She told me it was important.

I agreed to meet her but only if Carrie were there. Carrie told me that I should talk to you about it first but I insisted that we not. I had nothing to say to Samantha but was still curious about what her life had been like since she left me. I guess in some ways I wanted to prove that I had won. It seems a bit silly now but broken relationships sometimes bring out the worst in us all. Don't be mad at Carrie. She wanted me to talk with you.

We met Samantha at the restaurant and right before we saw Samantha I surprised Carrie with the fact that we had been married for a short time. I've never seen Carrie so surprised. She was hurt that I didn't tell her sooner and I explained some of the circumstances. She seemed to understand after that.

When Samantha came she cut to the chase really fast. She said that she wasn't there to reminisce but that she needed something from me. She informed me that it was possible that I had child and that she needed my DNA to test me. She wouldn't say more than that. Carrie was speechless and I was shocked. All I could do was swab my cheek and give it back to her. Samantha asked for my phone number so that she could call me with the results. She left without eating with us and Carrie and I talked about whether or not to tell you.

It was just days after we found out you were pregnant and I was worried that the shock of this news would do something to hurt your chances of keeping the pregnancy so I decided to tell you after I got the test results back. I didn't want to worry you unnecessarily. We had enough to worry about with our own child. The idea that I was already a father hadn't sunk in at all. I thought there was very little chance that I was the father because we were together such a short time. I was more worried about you and the situation we faced in your pregnancy.

Two months went by and everything was looking good. After three months I thought for certain that we were in the clear. The morning of the 14^th came around and I got a call from Samantha. She told me that she had them send a copy of the test results in the mail and that it should arrive soon. There had been a back-up at the lab she used and she apologized for the long wait. I asked her if I was the father and she said that she didn't know either. They were sending them to us both. We arranged a time to talk. She apologized again and hung up.

I don't need to tell you how devastating it was when our baby died that next morning. I know they say that it happens often but sitting in that ultrasound room with you when they couldn't find the heartbeat shook me to my core. I watched you go through that process and felt so powerless to help you. You were so brave and strong. After all the time of wishing and praying for the baby and the excitement of those fourteen weeks and then there was no heart beat. It hurt too much to talk about. That afternoon when I went home after your surgery to get your things, I found the letter in the mail with the DNA results. I was the father of Samantha's baby.

I'd like to say that I wanted to run to you with the news but I was so confused as to what to do. There you were still hurting in the hospital and I am talking with my ex-wife about a baby, a little girl that she had never bothered to tell me about. It took me a few weeks to know how to proceed. I was so angry. I was angry that she had never told me I could be a father. I was angry with myself for not telling you sooner about Samantha. I was angry that our baby was gone and my old fear that God had not forgiven me for keeping the truth from you returned with a vengeance. You were so distant there was no way I wanted to approach you with the knowledge I had. I couldn't see you forgiving me for that. I couldn't see talking to you about it at the time. It was all so new and hard for me that I could not see my way through.

Then about a month ago things started to improve between us. You seemed to be moving out of your grief and we started reconnecting again and talking about more children. Things were so delicate that I couldn't say anything. I was a coward and I am truly sorry for that.

Open #5

Amelia pulled out the fifth item which was in an envelope. It was a heart shaped paper made out of construction paper. A child had written on it and Amelia realized that it was Jack's daughter who had made it for him. Amelia unfolded it with a lump in her throat. On it the child had written, To my dad, love Kate.

Amelia stared at it for a few moments and thought of Kate. The little girl did not know her father. Just as she had never known her own. Her heart went out to her.

She picked up the last letter and read on.

This heart is from my daughter, Katherine Elise or Kate as her mom has always called her. She was born on May 19^th. She named her after two characters she'd always loved on a some TV shows that she liked when she was younger. She is now seven. Samantha never really explained who her father was. According to Kate, Sam would always have a new story about who her father was and where he was living. She'd make up pretty wild tales from the sounds of it. He was a pirate, he was a mountaineer or a gamekeeper in Africa. The truth was that Samantha always believed that Rick was Kate's father and she didn't want him on the birth certificate or anywhere near them. He had left her when she told him she was pregnant with a girl. He was apparently only interested in being a parent to a boy. She didn't want to return home to her family. Her father was always mean and her stepmom was still in the picture. So she found a friend who she had gone to church with as a girl and moved in with her. She started attending church on a regular basis and had lots of help when Kate came into the world. They still go to the church now though they are living on their own. They have friends there and seem happy.

It took me a few weeks to know what I wanted to do. I know how awful that sounds. I wanted for it not to be happening. With all that has been going on it seemed almost cruel to have to tell you any of it. Then I received the heart card from Kate in the mail along with a short note from Samantha asking if it would be all right for them to visit us some time. I thought about Kate and realized that I wanted to be there for her. I wanted her to know what it was to have a father in her life. We all missed out on having good fathers in our lives and I knew that I had to try to be there for her if I could. I realized that it didn't matter if it was fair or not. It didn't matter what I thought of Sam or anything else. It matters that Kate knows that she has a father and that her father loves her, without any condition. My heart changed toward her and I saw her like a parent sees a child. Kate needs a dad and I felt ready to be the best one I could manage.

Samantha and Kate arrived in town on Sunday night and planned to stay for a week. I thought it would be wise to meet Kate on my own first before I introduced you to her. I was concerned for her that she might not understand who I was. My plan was to meet them at the hotel that day and talk to you that night then invite them over to the house when you were ready, if you were still speaking to me by then. Carrie told me to tell you so many times and threatened my life more than once. She didn't think it was fair to you to keep you in the dark and surprise you but I was worried about us and was cowardly as well.

I know that you must have been shocked by our greeting but it had been a long time since we'd seen each other on friendly terms. Samantha has been having some health issues along with all of this and she told me that she was waiting on some test results. I was concerned for her and hugged her to let her know she'd be all right. She's been my friend a long time and even though she hurt me a great deal when she left I still have that underlying love for her. I want you to know once again that I have no romantic feelings toward her anymore and would never cheat on you. I will apologize for the way I have treated you for the rest of my life if that is what it takes.

I want to talk to you in person now when you are ready. Please take time to think and pray before you come to me. I want to see you and be with you. You are the only woman I want to be with. When you come to me we can talk about it all. But now you know what happened that day and you know how I feel. I can't help but wonder what you are thinking right now.

Loving you is the best part of my life. Please let that mean something as you make your decision.

All my love,

Jack

P.S. Open #6

Amelia let out the breath she was holding and sat thinking and re-reading the last letter. She didn't know what to think or feel about it all, she only wanted to talk to Jack. Her emotions were all over the place. There was anger and hurt and jealousy on the one hand and yet they were far more overpowered by her love and respect for Jack. She loved the man with her whole heart and he loved her back. He had been put in an impossible position and waited to hear what she would say to him.

She pulled out #6 and opened it. Underneath was a scrapbook filled with pictures. Samantha was a skilled scrapbooker and with tears in her eyes Amelia slowly studied the pages of little Kate's life. She was the most beautiful little girl, with Jack's eyes and Samantha's smile. Her hair was also like Jack's, dark and wispy forming tiny curls around her head when she was small and long and straight as she grew up. The most recent page was a picture of Jack with Kate. His arm was around her shoulder and they were smiling for the camera. Amelia's heart ached a little as she stared at their faces. The man that she loved with her whole heart and his little daughter. She knew in that moment what she wanted to do. Under the photo was another envelope entitled, When you are ready, find me.

Amelia was startled by a knock at the door. Meredith popped her head in the door. “You ready for dinner, dear?” When Meredith saw Amelia's face she came in close to hug her. “Oh, honey. Oh, sweetheart.” she exclaimed and Amelia threw her arms out to Meredith and she nestled her in her arms.

“Do you know it all then,” Meredith asked directly. Amelia nodded, “I think so, yes.”

“Are you ready to talk with him?” she asked quietly. Amelia nodded again, “I wish he was here right now. I'd go right to him.”

Meredith smiled, “That's what I wanted to hear. Come along.”

Amelia followed Meredith to the door and she lead her out to a waiting cart with covered dinner trays on it.

“I know how much you love the island and know you've been anxious to get out there so do you think we could eat our meal out there tonight? We could have a picnic and watch the sun go down.” Meredith said happily.

Amelia was confused and a little annoyed. “I want to talk to Jack.”

“Of course, dear. You can talk with him. But I've prepared this special meal and I want to share it with you.” Meredith said forcefully.

“I don't think I'd be very good company tonight. I need to talk to Jack.” Amelia came back.

Meredith used her most demanding expression, “Not until you come out with me. I know where he is and I will not allow it until you've eaten a proper meal.”

Amelia stared at Meredith like she had lost her mind but resigned herself to her fate. “Okay, if it means that much to you.”

Meredith's eyes sparkled, “It does. I think you will really enjoy what I've prepared.”

Amelia helped Meredith secure the food in the boat and they set off across the water.

Amelia was preoccupied with her thoughts and was silent across the water. Meredith chatted loudly about her baby bok choy and curried nut salad. After a few minutes she enjoyed the ride and knowing that she was going to the island was a treat. She only wanted to talk to Jack first. Then she would enjoy herself. She had to talk to him soon. They docked the boat and Amelia helped Meredith carry the trays of food to a small table on the west facing deck.

A movement from the house caught her attention and she gasped when she saw a tall figure moving toward her through the open glass door.

Meredith smiled over at her. “Enjoy!” and she retreated down the path to the boat. Amelia watched in astonishment as the man walked out the door and stood to meet her face to face.

Jack smiled at her tentatively and moved closer to her.

Amelia couldn't help her reaction to seeing his face. Tears sprang into her eyes as she closed the gap between them and wrapped her arms around his waist.

“Jack! Jack!”

He caught her up and held her to him and they were silent for a long time.

Chapter 8

Chapter 8

They ate lunch and chatted excitedly about the possibilities of the contents of the trunk lid. Meredith didn't know where the key might be. She knew there were some older keys in the master lock box but it didn't seem wise for Camilla to leave such a key where someone else might find it easily. Meredith worried that they wouldn't be able to find the key. It was then that Amelia remembered something from long ago.

“I know where it is!” she exclaimed. She abandoned her lunch and hurried toward her old room in the lodge. Meredith followed her quickly, confused by her actions but she was too curious not to follow. When Amelia came to the door of her old room she waited for Meredith to unlock it. The room had been converted to an office but the floors were still original. Amelia looked around for a moment, trying to picture the old layout and suddenly she saw what she was searching for. Amelia moved the desk over and tried to pull up a floor board. Meredith looked flummoxed that she was tearing apart her floor. She cried out in protest as Amelia laughed, “It's in here! Will you help me?”

Meredith shrugged and got down on her knees to help.

“I hope it's still here! It was in Camilla's things after she died. You told me I could have it because I thought it was so cool! It was brass with the filigree handle just like the design in the top of the trunk. I didn't see it before because Camilla always kept that lace shawl on the top of the trunk. Why didn't I see that before? I loved the design, remember? I tried every lock in the camp and could never find it's lock. It must be it.” Amelia exclaimed. She couldn't fit her fingers in the space between the two floorboards anymore now that they had been refinished. “I need something thin and flat to get in there.”

Meredith grinned at her as she jumped up to dig a letter opener from the desk. Finding it in the top drawer she handed it to Amelia with a smile. Amelia jimmied the letter opener into the thin space and pried up the floorboard. Amelia squealed with delight, a sound that she had never remembered making in all of her years on earth. “It is there!” Meredith exclaimed.

“C'mon! Let's see if it fits!” Amelia said, pulling Meredith's hand and leading her to the boathouse. Meredith followed willingly and in a few moments they were in front of the trunk. They helped each other lift the lid of the old trunk again. Amelia pried back the clever lining and inserted the key. It fit the lock perfectly. She glanced at Meredith to grin and turned the lock. Meredith gasped in surprise as they saw the contents. There were six compartments in the curved top of the trunk. Four rectangular drawers ran down the center of the trunk each with a shiny brass pull. There were two matching open compartments on either side of the drawers. One side was filled solidly with black leather volumes inlaid with numbers. The other side held a wooden box that fitted in the space exactly. Meredith pulled the larger box free and opened it. The contents glittered in the sunlit room. The look of pleasure on her face was infectious. Amelia smiled back at her.

“It's my mother's wedding band and engagement ring! And her diamond necklace and pearls! I haven't seen them since she died! I thought they were lost. Camilla told me she was keeping them for me but I could never find them! I hoped they would be here.” Tears were in her eyes as she clasped the trinkets around her neck one by one and displayed them for Amelia. “Thank you, Milla.” she whispered tenderly toward the sky.

Amelia smiled and pulled out the first of the middle boxes. While Meredith looked through the second one. The boxes were long and shallow and only contained a few items. There was another ring with a small diamond in it and a box. There were a few envelopes addressed to Milla. The box was engraved with an insignia. There were two other boxes of similar shape and size as well. They moved on through the other three larger boxes. They contained more common things. A lock of hair inside a glass heart. Little pearls in a tie string bag that had fallen off their string. The bottom box was empty and they carefully replaced the items in there resting places.

Meredith paused as she took up the first book. There was an almost reverent atmosphere as they pulled the first book marked 1940. Meredith smiled as she opened the cover. She moved to sit on the sofa and Amelia sidled up to her to get a closer look as well. “It's Milla's handwriting. This must be her journal.”

Amelia grinned, “Oh this is exciting! I wonder what she has to say! Read it out loud.”





The Diary of Camilla Anne Morgan Clay

September 25^th, 1940

Dear future readers of this record of my life,


It might be presumptuous to believe that anyone would be interested in the musings of a 20-year-old girl such as myself but my mother always taught me that diaries had nothing to do with posterity. She always said she wrote to understand herself better. I have attempted writing before but those writings seem silly to me now. So I start this new record on my 20^th birthday with a renewed conviction to record my life. My hope is that there will be interest in the goings on of my time and particularly about me. I think more about my future than any girl I know and I want to remember myself as I was when I am old and gray.


Today is my birthday and the best thing about my life at this moment is my Charlie. Charlie fills my days and will soon fill my nights as well. He asked me to marry him again today after the birthday cake Mother made for me. I finally have his ring as well and told him yes as we sat on the porch swing on my parent's front porch. Charlie finally asked Father for my hand. His work at the power plant has not gone unnoticed by my father and he has finally consented to our marriage in two years time.


My father is a difficult man to please and wants only the best for me but he doesn't seem to realize that Charlie is my future. Mother tries to smooth it over. She loves Charlie, too, I think almost as much as I do. But I can tell Father might never approve of him. Two years seems a long time for a woman in love but I can bear it if Charlie can. He speaks of our future like it is already here. Like it is happening now. I like to think it will happen, that I can be with him as his wife and have his children. But for now I will be happy in knowing that someday will come and I can be with him again and never have to leave him.


Other than Charlie, my life is dull. I work every day at the bank in town. My father works at the sawmill and takes me there every morning and brings me home every night. Charlie can't come by every day but sometimes on his lunch break he will come and stand where I can see him in the front window and smile his Charlie smile. That's the smile I like best.


I don't have to tell you that things in the world are tense. I'm so glad to be far from the war in Europe but worry that our men will be called up to fight. I can't imagine a time like that. Full of death and destruction. I've read about our boys in the first world war and can't imagine our boys dying like that. I hope we stay far away from it all.


Right now our favorite times together are dances every Friday night and socials every Saturday. Charlie and his mother sit in front of us at church and he always turns around to smile at us when he thinks Father isn't looking. Father is always looking and scolds me to be more ladylike and not respond to such advances. Mother smiles at Charlie as much as I do and Father looks on disapprovingly. Father is a dear but I wish he would let Charlie smile. Everyone should see it, for it is the dearest smile in the world. He is smiling whenever I think about him.


It is a good day and although many would think I'm silly to say it. I am in love with Charlie Clay and someday I will be Camilla Anne Clay and my father can't do anything to stop me.


Also someday I'm going to fly an airplane and swim in the Nile. You just see if I don't.


Signed your illustrious owner,


Camilla Anne Morgan

Meredith's eyes were wide and she and Amelia laughed at the sweet story. Meredith paused only momentarily before continuing on to the next entry.

April 27, 1941

I love Charlie, that hasn't changed. But I do miss him something awful. His letters September 30, 1941

I meant to write so many times before this. I've been so busy with things and don't take the time to sit Charlie came home tonight after a long stay in Washington. He found a little town there close to his latest work site. He wants to move there after we are married to work. My father wants us to push back the date one more year until Charlie saves enough. I don't want to wait and told him so. He sent me to my room! Can you imagine? A woman of 21 being sent to her room without supper?

We sat on the porch for a long time tonight and he held my hand and talked of times to come. He asked me if I would take a walk with him. It is hot out and I guess I must have walked a little too long with him in the moonlight because I could not cool down all night, thinking of those moments with him. He kissed me for the first time tonight. We walked down to the lake and stood on the dock for a time. He held my face real close and kissed me with a little peck on my mouth. His mouth was so warm and nice. It was the first time for us both and it surprised me how much I wanted to do it again and again. Momma wouldn't like that I kissed him and my father would kill me if he knew but I really think kissing is fun. I kissed him twice more on our walk home. I think I surprised him but they were just little ones and I couldn't wipe the smile from my face if I tried.

I wanted to stay with him tonight more than I ever have before. He leaves again tomorrow and I can hope for a time when we can be together again and I won't have to leave him any more.

The journal chronicled the whole of 1940 and 1941. The next entry that had them both riveted was in the one just preceding December 7^th 1941. It read,


(To be added later...)

After a long night of reading Milla's journals, Amelia sat in front of a roaring fire, pleasantly rested and content. Meredith had George bring dinner to the boathouse and they passed the time eating and talking about the contents of the journals. They learned that Milla had been engaged to another man named Charlie Clay and that Charlie had left for war in the summer of 1942. Meredith was thrilled to find out these details of her dear Milla. She noted that there was so much that she had never known about her aunt's life and she was anxious to read more the next day. Meredith and George had retired to their rooms and Amelia sat gazing into the flames. The anxiety of the last few days had dissipated and she was content to relax in a moment of silence. She had always loved to sit in front of the fire. When she had first come to her home here she would have long spells of longing for her family. Not really the parents that had abandoned her but the idea of a home and family that loved each other. It took many hours of spending time with Meredith and George to realize that she had found a home with them. They would spend long hours with her, playing games and talking with her. She was happy to find a home with them but she always longed for more.

That feeling of contentment had not come fully to fruition until her first year of marriage with Jack. He was her home and she missed him greatly. She walked over to the phone to dial his cell phone. It went straight to voice-mail once again. She tried the house phone once again with no answer and the pit formed once again in her stomach. She curled up in front of the fire and bowed her head to pray. She said a simple prayer to God, asking him for help. She wanted to know where Jack was what he was doing. She repeated words of love out loud and felt them come back to herself as she ended her prayer. She felt a little better but still didn't know what she should do. She climbed the stairs to the loft above and changed into her pajamas.

Before laying down she opened the sliding glass door to the balcony that overlooked the lake. She could see the water moving in the dim light of the moon. The planners of the property had made a point of no visible power lines so that the view would be unobstructed. It made for a magical effect, almost as if it were She looked out to the island and sighed seeing the twinkling lights on the water. There were lights on the dock to greet the passengers of boats in the dark. It was a silent bulwark in the night, protecting any that might come to its shores. She resolved to finally row out to the island the next day. She wanted to see it for herself again and revisit her time with Jack there. She was ready to face this newest development though she didn't know what Jack would say.

She watched the water for a while longer taking in the view fully. She turned to return to her bed but caught a glimpse of an odd shape on the dock of the island. She turned to look closer at the shape and could see that one of the lights looked different. The light wasn't completely blocked but it twinkled differently than it had before and looked as if someone was standing there in the night. Probably just the light playing tricks on the water, she thought. It was too far away to know for sure and she squinted in the dark but could not see anything. The light flickered again and she was convinced it must have been a surge in the electricity. She shook her head at herself and turned again to lay down in the bed. She switched off the side table lamp and pulled the luxurious covers over her head and fell asleep in the pitch blackness with only the dim moonlight as her friend.

Morning came early the next day and Amelia woke to the wind blowing in her face. She smiled as the morning sun beat through the slightly drawn wood shades. She quickly dressed and washed her face and ventured in to find breakfast waiting for her. The food was delicious and she sat in the library to wait for Meredith and George to come downstairs. She picked up a book and sat down by the fire. It was a little chilly in the morning air and the fire felt good on her face.

It was Saturday morning and she knew that this was Meredith's day for errands. She wanted to go into town with her to listen to her message from Jack. She regretted being so impulsive now that she wanted to hear his voice. One of the only things she didn't like about being so far from civilization was that she did not get calls on her cell phone. Maybe he didn't recognize the number when it came up on his phone and that is why he didn't answer. She felt hopeful as Meredith walked into the room with a smile.

She asked Meredith if she could accompany her on her errands to town and Meredith readily agreed. After a quick breakfast of toast and fruit they were driving toward the exit of the camp. When they passed the view of the island Amelia watched closely. The dock was in full view of the road and she was disappointed to see that there was nothing there.

The nearest grocery store was eleven miles from the camp but they had to go over an hour and a half to get to a city large enough for a grocery store large enough to carry specialized food from around the world. Meredith was planning for some special dinners and because they had a two week gap between patients she was going to take the time to make some of her own meals. She had learned well from the help she had over the years and always liked to try new things. She wanted to make a new Thai recipe that she had found and some of the specialized ingredients called for were not part of the local farmer's fare.

Amelia didn't mind the drive. She ran into the boathouse before they left to get Milla's journal and spent the drive reading different passages to pass the time. They learned more about how Milla came to know Sheldon and how she was introduced to the camp. The story captivated their conversation into town.

Charlie was stationed in Germany and Milla had become a nurse to help in the war effort. She left her home in Idaho and was sent to Boston to train as a Army Air Corps nurse. Meredith commented that she had known Milla was a nurse in the war but all the details of her time were interesting.

They arrived at the store and Amelia told Meredith she wanted to take a walk. There was a small park adjacent to the store and Amelia felt the need to be alone while she listened to her messages. She powered up her phone and saw immediately that there were a few messages. She pushed the voicemail button awaiting the familiar voice telling her the message.

The first two messages were from Meredith and Carrie and Amelia noted the concern in Carrie's voice and resolved to call her after she listened to the voicemail. The next message was from work asking her to call in. She ignored that one and deleted it immediately. There was no reason to return. She was tired of going to that place anyway. The last message was from Jack and the minute she heard his voice her breath caught in her throat and she held it there.

Amelia, hey. I just got home. Call me.

The next message was a few hours later, “Hey, I talked with Meredith. We need to talk. I don't know where you are but be safe. Call me when you get to where you're going. I love you.” Jack's deep voice was sad and Amelia noted a slightly desperate tone in his voice. She hurt to hear it. She played the message again then erased them both. She had been stupid not to listen to them before. She was confused by the sudden shift in her thoughts. She wanted more than anything to talk with him. She dialed Jack's number again but got the same out of area message. She dialed their home as well but it went to voice-mail. Puzzled by his absence she shook her head and saw that Meredith was coming out of the store with a grocery cart.

The store didn't have some of the specialized ingredients Meredith required so they went to another store as well. She talked on and on about the meals she was going to prepare but Amelia was preoccupied with the messages from Jack. She analyzed the words over and over but could pull no real meaning out of them. She hoped that she could get in touch with him that evening. It drove her crazy not knowing where he was. He was always quick to answer her calls and it was worrisome to know that he was not answering.

After all the ingredients were collected they loaded in the car for home. After getting on the highway and finding some relaxing music on the radio Amelia laid her head back on the headrest and swiftly fell asleep. The next thing she knew they were pulling through the entrance at Camp Camilla. She wiped her eyes, stretching her arms forward in her seat to get some life in them. Meredith smiled at her and chattered on about the dinner she had planned for the night.

Amelia helped bring in the groceries and was putting away the oranges in the wire baskets that hung near the pantry when Meredith came in carrying a box. She had an serious look on her face. She called Amelia over to the counter and slid the box toward her. Amelia saw that the box had her name written on it but was taped shut with packing tape. There were no other markings on it. Amelia looked up in confusion.

“What is this?” Amelia asked.

“It came in the mail today in a box addressed to me.” Meredith said simply. Meredith watched Amelia's face. Am

Amelia knew the box was from Jack and because it wasn't opened Meredith didn't know what was inside. Amelia's curiosity was peaked but she didn't want to rush to her room right away like a school girl with a locker note. When Amelia didn't make a move toward the box Meredith smiled at her.

“Take it back to your room.” Meredith hugged her, “I think it's time you deal with this.”

Amelia hugged back and silently picked up the box. “I think I'll go read a little more.”

Meredith nodded and Amelia retreated to the boathouse. In minutes she was sitting in her living room staring at the box. She knew that whatever it contained would change her life. She knew it was from Jack. She knew that she needed to see what was there. She wondered why the thought of opening it filled her with such dread.

She thought of the earlier messages from Jack and her heart ached that she had kept herself from him for so long. She missed him so much in that moment that she knew that it was time to open the box.